1. Get things clear in your own mind of what went wrong. Did you say something stupid, no matter how true it is? Did you fail to come through on a promise? Was the offense recent or long ago? Was it simple or heartbreaking for the person you upset? You can't apologize effectively if you don't know what you are apologizing for.
2. Be willing to apologize in full, without sharing the blame with anyone else and without presenting mitigating circumstances--an incomplete apology often feels more like an insult than an apology.
3. Decide when and where to apologize. Sometimes immediately after your mistake is best, sometimes not. The sting of a harsh word can be cooled right away with a quick apology, but other offenses might need the other person to cool down before they are willing to even listen to your next sentence.
4. Consider your listener. Are you apologizing to your boss for being late again, or to your spouse for keeping something unspoken? Both might start with "I'm sorry...", but, expect one to be simple and one to be a whole conversation.
5. Be sure to name the offense and the feelings it caused; this is true in every case. Examples "Boss, I'm sorry I'm late again, I know my shift started 10 minutes ago. I hope this doesn't complicate your day." or "Dear, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday - there's no excuse. I hope you don't feel neglected, please let me set this right."
6. Be careful! If you are apologizing, you probably did upset someone; caution is appropriate. This is especially true for family, friends and loved ones. Sometimes attempted apologies turn into a rehash of the same argument you wanted to amend.
7. Be patient. If an apology is not accepted, that's ok. You did your best. It's up to the other person to be mature and accept your gesture of good will and reconciliation.
8. Most importantly, accept responsibility for the mistake you made. You cannot fully apologize unless you stop playing the blame-game and take responsibility for your mistakes.

 

• It's not much of an apology if you don't admit fault or regret. If you don't think you did anything wrong, then express regret or sadness for the feeling that someone is experiencing.
• Never use the word "But." "I am sorry but" means "I am not sorry."
• If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted, avoid the temptation to throw in a few excuses at the end.
• One apology will often cause another, either from you for something else you realized you are sorry for, or from the other person because they realize the conflict was mutual.
• Have a plan for "OK, now what" - how are you going to transition to the next topic, task, or encounter and leave the apology with a decent conclusion.
• If you can't picture an apology going well, then write it down like a script. When the conversation gets tough, try to stick to what you wrote.
• Do it face to face, if possible. A phoned or emailed apology shows a lack of sincerity and effort.
• Pray first! Whatever your spiritual habits are, take a moment to calm down and let your beliefs give you strength and humility.

• When addressing a conflict between friends, family or lovers, be very careful not to re-argue any topics or open any old wounds. Apologies sound like empty lies if they are bracketed by accusations.
• Don't be too surprised (or suspicious) if you are forgiven. Take people at their word, just like they took your apology.
• Remember that a proper apology is always about the injured party. Keep your apology focused on the recipient.

One key to getting along well with people is knowing when to say you're sorry. Sometimes little comments or actions can hurt or offend others. Heavy workloads and stress may keep us from seeing how our actions make others feel. The little things can add up. It doesn't take long for someone to hold a grudge and for grudges to grow into conflicts. In most cases, if someone is offended by something you do or say, it's much better to apologize right away. That solves the small problem and keeps it from getting bigger.

It's hard to apologize. Many of us are ashamed or have too much pride. Sometimes we just don't know how to do it. Here are some tips that may make it easier to say you're sorry.

 

• Take responsibility. The first step in apologizing is to admit to yourself that you have offended someone. You may know this right away, or the other person's reaction may let you know you have done something hurtful. But you must admit you have done wrong and accept responsibility for your actions.

   

• Explain. It's important to let the person you hurt know that you didn't mean to do harm. At the same time, you must show that you take your mistake seriously. Recognize that your actions caused a problem for the other person.

   

• Show your regret. The other person needs to see that you have suffered, too. Come right out and say you are sorry or ashamed. I felt bad the minute I told your secret. I'm ashamed of myself.

   

• Repair the damage. To be complete, an apology must correct the injury. If you damaged someone's property, offer to fix it. If the damage isn't so obvious, ask What can I do to make it up to you? There may be nothing concrete you can do, but the offer must be sincere. I'll try to keep my mouth shut in the future. Meantime, let me buy you a cup of coffee. Another way to repair the damage is to send a note or a small gift.

   

• Use good timing. Apologize right away for little things. For example, if you bump into someone, say you're sorry right away. Don't wait until the next day to apologize. However, if you have done something more serious, like insult a friend, your apology should be more thoughtful. A quick apology might seem phony. Take the time to sit down, look the person in the eye, and apologize honestly.

   

• It's not about who "won" or who "lost." It's about keeping a strong friendship.

 

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